Hello all,
I would like to thank each and every one of you that read my last post. I was in a very dark place that I am still trying to claw my way out of. I appreciate so much all of the sweet comments, and messages I have received. You really find out how many genuinely awesome people you have in your life at a time like this. I cannot tell you how much it means to me and my family to have your support and love through this time.
I also have a lot of people that have told me some things that are very upsetting to me. A lot of messages (from complete strangers, I might add) have said that they are going through similar situations, and they were so afraid to talk about it.
I'm not afraid. And I will definitely speak for those silent.
I've also had a few people tell me that it's "best not to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see." That's not the point of this. I'm not saying anything so that people are "in my business," I'm simply doing this because I love to write. I get enjoyment out of writing about anything, and seeing that people actually read it makes me even happier.
A topic like mental health, or bipolar disorder, isn't discussed a lot because people don't understand it. I struggled with this sickness for 10 years, and had no idea what was wrong with me. I was afraid of myself, because I thought I was depressed, yet no anti depressant was working for me. I thought I just had a flawed personality, or some anger issues. I genuinely did not understand what was going on with me. After seeing a psychiatrist, I understand so much more. Why was I so angry all of those times when I honestly had nothing to truly be angry about? Why did I cry at night, and when Sam asked why, I had no clue what to tell him? Why did I always spend crazy amounts of money when I got angry? Why did I break things, and instantly feel better? I had no idea until I got some answers.
So to those few who got in touch with me saying they had been feeling the same way, or went through similar situations, I just want to say, please get help. It doesn't make you weak, or crazy. It makes you a lot stronger actually. Being able to walk into an office called a "behavioral health center," every week with my head held high knowing that I am getting the help I need, does not in any way make me feel weak, or crazy.
A lot of people, (and I'm about to rant but just stay with me) have come to me saying, "I've been in a similar situation," or "a friend of mine went through a similar situation and they took such and such medication, so it might work for you!"
When you get the flu, you go to the doctor, and there is essentially one cure to the flu.
When you get diagnosed with a mental illness, there are litterally 1,000,000 different types of medications, and combinations of medication that you can try. And not one person is the same. So please, don't tell me you know what is best for me. Not even my doctor does, it's a definite trial and error type situation. If you are going through something similar, I won't try to diagnose you or give you any recommendation at all on what medicine you should take. I promise.
Through all of these awful happenings in my life, I would like to become somewhat of an advocate for "the silent ones." I want mental health to be important to everyone, even those that aren't sick, because what makes it the hardest is the feeling of "loneliness," or that you're "crazy." That isn't the case ladies and gents. There are so many people out there in the world that have mental illnesses, that don't even get help because they are so terrified to speak out.
I'm not afraid anymore. I am sick. I take medications for my sickness. I will probably (more than likely) have to be on these medications for the rest of my life, and I am okay with that. I simply want to get back to finding out who I am, and what I really want for myself. I want my happiness too, and I think I deserve that.
To the ones who have said they enjoyed reading my blog, and that I am a good writer, OH MY GOSH, that means so so much to me. I really do enjoy writing, more than you can know. And in order to de-stress my life a bit, I have started writing every day in a little journal that I always keep on me. Sometimes two and three times a day. I will write what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and sometimes I will just doodle and brainstorm ideas for a story. But, I say all of that to say I definitely will be writing on my blog more frequently and might even create a new blog just for the purposes of talking about mental health. I don't know, but I would love to hear ideas from all of you! And I will be posting a link to my full blog soon, and if you'd like to start from the beginning, I have titled all of my posts about my disorder "My Struggle..." so you can just skim through all the junk and read those.
I also am thinking about possibly starting a new YouTube channel to talk about these things. Maybe I'm going too far, too fast. I don't know. I don't really care. I am doing what makes me happy, so I think I'm okay. I'm not "airing my dirty laundry" for all to see. These posts have nothing to do with my divorce and what is really going on in my life, it just talks about a little piece of me that I have no problem sharing.
So have fun rooting through my dirty undies.
I genuinely love each and every one of you reading this, and I hope to keep getting words of encouragement. (Out of the forrest but still in the dark, is how the saying goes I believe)
STAY EXCELLENT MY LOVES :)
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