My Struggle; The Beginning

It's been 10 years since I realized that something was "wrong" with me. 10 years since I started having these attacks at night that would wake me from my sleep, thinking I was about to die. It's been 6 years since I started taking my first anti depressant, thinking that it would help. I had no idea that this road would lead me in this direction.
This past week has been the hardest and most life altering week of my life. I had a husband last week. I had no idea what was wrong with me last week. I thought that I was about to die last week.
Since I had gotten married, I started noticing these extreme periods of time where I would bounce from emotion to emotion in a matter of seconds for no apparent reason. I would get so angry over nothing that I just wanted to scream, and throw things. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and after having taken 7 different anti depressants that didn't help, I wanted it to be over. I had suicidal thoughts racing through my head. If I just lock myself in the bathroom with the water running, and take a few too many pills, it'd be hours before sam realized, and I'd be gone. If I could just hit my head hard enough on something, it'd be over quick, and all of this pain would be gone. Hanging myself, stabbing myself, shooting myself...all were common thoughts last week.
Sam and I got into an arguement because I wanted to go to the hospital. I was afraid of myself, and what I could do to me. Sam always thought this was all in my head, which technically it is, but I couldn't control it and now it was starting to literally control me. So I sent the text. "I am going to the hopsital, I want a divorce"
The next few days were a spiral. I went to my parent's house to find comfort, and the following tuesday I met with a psychiatrist. That Tuesday was the first time I had ever been officially diagnosed. My whole time dealing with this, I had never been diagnosed with anything, just given an anti depressant that didn't work.
Bipolar Disorder.
I have bipolar disorder. This is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. And the thought of that terrifies me more than I could ever imagine.
Sam told my mother, father, and me that he just needed a few days to cool off and then he would come talk to me. However, on Friday I was served divorce papers. Never hearing from Sam.
He decided that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. It's completely torn me up inside, and though it's really no one's business, I'm putting it out there to say, I am going to have to deal with people like him for the rest of my life. That get so fed up with my sickness, that they just leave. This is also a thought that terrifies me.
Bipolar disorder, though treatable, is not curable. It is a disease. A lot of people (some family members) think that I have been making this up to get attention. To those people I say, read. Read about bipolar disorder. Look at the events in my life; all the doctor's visits, all the medicines, a failed marriage, and tell me that it's dramatics. I'm not making this up. Just because you can't physically see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
My thoughts at this point are so scattered that I doubt any of this makes sense. I don't know what to think, or where to go as of this point. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm scared. I don't know if I'll ever be functional enough to have children, or a relationship with anyone. I don't know who I should let get close to me, because I don't want to get hurt. And I simply just don't know what to do. Medicines make me "normal." And I absolutely hate myself for it. What kind of creature can't function on a day to day basis without those two little pills? I don't understand it, I don't like it.
So many people have been comforting to me in these past few days, sending me texts of encouragement, and phone calls asking if I need anything. But they all come with the one question I dread
"how are you?"
Everyone expects me to say..."I'm fine" or "I'll be alright" but the sad truth is...I'm not fine. I don't know when I will be alright. This shouldn't have happened to me. I've been lied to, and completely forsaken by a man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I have been diagnosed with a disorder that will torment me daily forever. How do you expect me to be?
I keep thinking that maybe now, with the correct diagnoses, everything will be better from here on out, but that's not the truth. I will get worse and I will get better. Forever... I will have to change my medications to make it able for me to function on a day to day basis. I will have to see a psychiatrist and a counselor for years and years to come.
what kind of monster am I? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
I feel like if I could just go back in time from where I am now, I could change this all. I could make my marriage work, and make myself better, but the hard truth is; I can't. I could never help being sick. I could never help getting angry, I could never help the suicidal thoughts. This isn't a game. My marriage was doomed to fail from day one, and theres nothing I could do about it. I was born with this disorder. I can't just make it go away with hard work and determination.

I don't know what the point of this post was. Mostly to get all of these things off my chest I suppose...but don't feel sorry for me. Prayer is what I ask. Because I honestly don't know what to do from here, and no human can possibly bring me comfort at this point.
Pray for my strength. Pray for the ability to cope with everything that life has handed me. Pray for the ability to think and see clearly. Pray for my fears to be calmed with His hand.
Just pray.
I will be okay, and I can say that for sure. I don't know how long it will be before I feel "okay," but I'll get there one day.
I appreciate everyone's comfort through this time, it means more to me than you will ever be able to understand.