Hello all,
I would like to thank each and every one of you that read my last post. I was in a very dark place that I am still trying to claw my way out of. I appreciate so much all of the sweet comments, and messages I have received. You really find out how many genuinely awesome people you have in your life at a time like this. I cannot tell you how much it means to me and my family to have your support and love through this time.
I also have a lot of people that have told me some things that are very upsetting to me. A lot of messages (from complete strangers, I might add) have said that they are going through similar situations, and they were so afraid to talk about it.
I'm not afraid. And I will definitely speak for those silent.
I've also had a few people tell me that it's "best not to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see." That's not the point of this. I'm not saying anything so that people are "in my business," I'm simply doing this because I love to write. I get enjoyment out of writing about anything, and seeing that people actually read it makes me even happier.
A topic like mental health, or bipolar disorder, isn't discussed a lot because people don't understand it. I struggled with this sickness for 10 years, and had no idea what was wrong with me. I was afraid of myself, because I thought I was depressed, yet no anti depressant was working for me. I thought I just had a flawed personality, or some anger issues. I genuinely did not understand what was going on with me. After seeing a psychiatrist, I understand so much more. Why was I so angry all of those times when I honestly had nothing to truly be angry about? Why did I cry at night, and when Sam asked why, I had no clue what to tell him? Why did I always spend crazy amounts of money when I got angry? Why did I break things, and instantly feel better? I had no idea until I got some answers.
So to those few who got in touch with me saying they had been feeling the same way, or went through similar situations, I just want to say, please get help. It doesn't make you weak, or crazy. It makes you a lot stronger actually. Being able to walk into an office called a "behavioral health center," every week with my head held high knowing that I am getting the help I need, does not in any way make me feel weak, or crazy.
A lot of people, (and I'm about to rant but just stay with me) have come to me saying, "I've been in a similar situation," or "a friend of mine went through a similar situation and they took such and such medication, so it might work for you!"
When you get the flu, you go to the doctor, and there is essentially one cure to the flu.
When you get diagnosed with a mental illness, there are litterally 1,000,000 different types of medications, and combinations of medication that you can try. And not one person is the same. So please, don't tell me you know what is best for me. Not even my doctor does, it's a definite trial and error type situation. If you are going through something similar, I won't try to diagnose you or give you any recommendation at all on what medicine you should take. I promise.
Through all of these awful happenings in my life, I would like to become somewhat of an advocate for "the silent ones." I want mental health to be important to everyone, even those that aren't sick, because what makes it the hardest is the feeling of "loneliness," or that you're "crazy." That isn't the case ladies and gents. There are so many people out there in the world that have mental illnesses, that don't even get help because they are so terrified to speak out.
I'm not afraid anymore. I am sick. I take medications for my sickness. I will probably (more than likely) have to be on these medications for the rest of my life, and I am okay with that. I simply want to get back to finding out who I am, and what I really want for myself. I want my happiness too, and I think I deserve that.
To the ones who have said they enjoyed reading my blog, and that I am a good writer, OH MY GOSH, that means so so much to me. I really do enjoy writing, more than you can know. And in order to de-stress my life a bit, I have started writing every day in a little journal that I always keep on me. Sometimes two and three times a day. I will write what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and sometimes I will just doodle and brainstorm ideas for a story. But, I say all of that to say I definitely will be writing on my blog more frequently and might even create a new blog just for the purposes of talking about mental health. I don't know, but I would love to hear ideas from all of you! And I will be posting a link to my full blog soon, and if you'd like to start from the beginning, I have titled all of my posts about my disorder "My Struggle..." so you can just skim through all the junk and read those.
I also am thinking about possibly starting a new YouTube channel to talk about these things. Maybe I'm going too far, too fast. I don't know. I don't really care. I am doing what makes me happy, so I think I'm okay. I'm not "airing my dirty laundry" for all to see. These posts have nothing to do with my divorce and what is really going on in my life, it just talks about a little piece of me that I have no problem sharing.
So have fun rooting through my dirty undies.
I genuinely love each and every one of you reading this, and I hope to keep getting words of encouragement. (Out of the forrest but still in the dark, is how the saying goes I believe)
STAY EXCELLENT MY LOVES :)
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
My Struggle; The Beginning
It's been 10 years since I realized that something was "wrong" with me. 10 years since I started having these attacks at night that would wake me from my sleep, thinking I was about to die. It's been 6 years since I started taking my first anti depressant, thinking that it would help. I had no idea that this road would lead me in this direction.
This past week has been the hardest and most life altering week of my life. I had a husband last week. I had no idea what was wrong with me last week. I thought that I was about to die last week.
Since I had gotten married, I started noticing these extreme periods of time where I would bounce from emotion to emotion in a matter of seconds for no apparent reason. I would get so angry over nothing that I just wanted to scream, and throw things. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and after having taken 7 different anti depressants that didn't help, I wanted it to be over. I had suicidal thoughts racing through my head. If I just lock myself in the bathroom with the water running, and take a few too many pills, it'd be hours before sam realized, and I'd be gone. If I could just hit my head hard enough on something, it'd be over quick, and all of this pain would be gone. Hanging myself, stabbing myself, shooting myself...all were common thoughts last week.
Sam and I got into an arguement because I wanted to go to the hospital. I was afraid of myself, and what I could do to me. Sam always thought this was all in my head, which technically it is, but I couldn't control it and now it was starting to literally control me. So I sent the text. "I am going to the hopsital, I want a divorce"
The next few days were a spiral. I went to my parent's house to find comfort, and the following tuesday I met with a psychiatrist. That Tuesday was the first time I had ever been officially diagnosed. My whole time dealing with this, I had never been diagnosed with anything, just given an anti depressant that didn't work.
Bipolar Disorder.
I have bipolar disorder. This is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. And the thought of that terrifies me more than I could ever imagine.
Sam told my mother, father, and me that he just needed a few days to cool off and then he would come talk to me. However, on Friday I was served divorce papers. Never hearing from Sam.
He decided that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. It's completely torn me up inside, and though it's really no one's business, I'm putting it out there to say, I am going to have to deal with people like him for the rest of my life. That get so fed up with my sickness, that they just leave. This is also a thought that terrifies me.
Bipolar disorder, though treatable, is not curable. It is a disease. A lot of people (some family members) think that I have been making this up to get attention. To those people I say, read. Read about bipolar disorder. Look at the events in my life; all the doctor's visits, all the medicines, a failed marriage, and tell me that it's dramatics. I'm not making this up. Just because you can't physically see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
My thoughts at this point are so scattered that I doubt any of this makes sense. I don't know what to think, or where to go as of this point. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm scared. I don't know if I'll ever be functional enough to have children, or a relationship with anyone. I don't know who I should let get close to me, because I don't want to get hurt. And I simply just don't know what to do. Medicines make me "normal." And I absolutely hate myself for it. What kind of creature can't function on a day to day basis without those two little pills? I don't understand it, I don't like it.
So many people have been comforting to me in these past few days, sending me texts of encouragement, and phone calls asking if I need anything. But they all come with the one question I dread
"how are you?"
Everyone expects me to say..."I'm fine" or "I'll be alright" but the sad truth is...I'm not fine. I don't know when I will be alright. This shouldn't have happened to me. I've been lied to, and completely forsaken by a man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I have been diagnosed with a disorder that will torment me daily forever. How do you expect me to be?
I keep thinking that maybe now, with the correct diagnoses, everything will be better from here on out, but that's not the truth. I will get worse and I will get better. Forever... I will have to change my medications to make it able for me to function on a day to day basis. I will have to see a psychiatrist and a counselor for years and years to come.
what kind of monster am I? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
I feel like if I could just go back in time from where I am now, I could change this all. I could make my marriage work, and make myself better, but the hard truth is; I can't. I could never help being sick. I could never help getting angry, I could never help the suicidal thoughts. This isn't a game. My marriage was doomed to fail from day one, and theres nothing I could do about it. I was born with this disorder. I can't just make it go away with hard work and determination.
I don't know what the point of this post was. Mostly to get all of these things off my chest I suppose...but don't feel sorry for me. Prayer is what I ask. Because I honestly don't know what to do from here, and no human can possibly bring me comfort at this point.
Pray for my strength. Pray for the ability to cope with everything that life has handed me. Pray for the ability to think and see clearly. Pray for my fears to be calmed with His hand.
Just pray.
I will be okay, and I can say that for sure. I don't know how long it will be before I feel "okay," but I'll get there one day.
I appreciate everyone's comfort through this time, it means more to me than you will ever be able to understand.
This past week has been the hardest and most life altering week of my life. I had a husband last week. I had no idea what was wrong with me last week. I thought that I was about to die last week.
Since I had gotten married, I started noticing these extreme periods of time where I would bounce from emotion to emotion in a matter of seconds for no apparent reason. I would get so angry over nothing that I just wanted to scream, and throw things. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and after having taken 7 different anti depressants that didn't help, I wanted it to be over. I had suicidal thoughts racing through my head. If I just lock myself in the bathroom with the water running, and take a few too many pills, it'd be hours before sam realized, and I'd be gone. If I could just hit my head hard enough on something, it'd be over quick, and all of this pain would be gone. Hanging myself, stabbing myself, shooting myself...all were common thoughts last week.
Sam and I got into an arguement because I wanted to go to the hospital. I was afraid of myself, and what I could do to me. Sam always thought this was all in my head, which technically it is, but I couldn't control it and now it was starting to literally control me. So I sent the text. "I am going to the hopsital, I want a divorce"
The next few days were a spiral. I went to my parent's house to find comfort, and the following tuesday I met with a psychiatrist. That Tuesday was the first time I had ever been officially diagnosed. My whole time dealing with this, I had never been diagnosed with anything, just given an anti depressant that didn't work.
Bipolar Disorder.
I have bipolar disorder. This is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. And the thought of that terrifies me more than I could ever imagine.
Sam told my mother, father, and me that he just needed a few days to cool off and then he would come talk to me. However, on Friday I was served divorce papers. Never hearing from Sam.
He decided that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. It's completely torn me up inside, and though it's really no one's business, I'm putting it out there to say, I am going to have to deal with people like him for the rest of my life. That get so fed up with my sickness, that they just leave. This is also a thought that terrifies me.
Bipolar disorder, though treatable, is not curable. It is a disease. A lot of people (some family members) think that I have been making this up to get attention. To those people I say, read. Read about bipolar disorder. Look at the events in my life; all the doctor's visits, all the medicines, a failed marriage, and tell me that it's dramatics. I'm not making this up. Just because you can't physically see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
My thoughts at this point are so scattered that I doubt any of this makes sense. I don't know what to think, or where to go as of this point. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm scared. I don't know if I'll ever be functional enough to have children, or a relationship with anyone. I don't know who I should let get close to me, because I don't want to get hurt. And I simply just don't know what to do. Medicines make me "normal." And I absolutely hate myself for it. What kind of creature can't function on a day to day basis without those two little pills? I don't understand it, I don't like it.
So many people have been comforting to me in these past few days, sending me texts of encouragement, and phone calls asking if I need anything. But they all come with the one question I dread
"how are you?"
Everyone expects me to say..."I'm fine" or "I'll be alright" but the sad truth is...I'm not fine. I don't know when I will be alright. This shouldn't have happened to me. I've been lied to, and completely forsaken by a man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I have been diagnosed with a disorder that will torment me daily forever. How do you expect me to be?
I keep thinking that maybe now, with the correct diagnoses, everything will be better from here on out, but that's not the truth. I will get worse and I will get better. Forever... I will have to change my medications to make it able for me to function on a day to day basis. I will have to see a psychiatrist and a counselor for years and years to come.
what kind of monster am I? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
I feel like if I could just go back in time from where I am now, I could change this all. I could make my marriage work, and make myself better, but the hard truth is; I can't. I could never help being sick. I could never help getting angry, I could never help the suicidal thoughts. This isn't a game. My marriage was doomed to fail from day one, and theres nothing I could do about it. I was born with this disorder. I can't just make it go away with hard work and determination.
I don't know what the point of this post was. Mostly to get all of these things off my chest I suppose...but don't feel sorry for me. Prayer is what I ask. Because I honestly don't know what to do from here, and no human can possibly bring me comfort at this point.
Pray for my strength. Pray for the ability to cope with everything that life has handed me. Pray for the ability to think and see clearly. Pray for my fears to be calmed with His hand.
Just pray.
I will be okay, and I can say that for sure. I don't know how long it will be before I feel "okay," but I'll get there one day.
I appreciate everyone's comfort through this time, it means more to me than you will ever be able to understand.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Beard's "fine" jewelers
WARNING: THIS POST IS NOTHING BUT A RANT ABOUT THE TERRIBLE SERVICE I RECEIVED AT BEARD JEWELERS IN LUFKIN. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HEAR ME WHINE, PLEASE LEAVE NOW.
Well, many people have asked me what exactly the situation is with my wedding ring, and it's such a long story that I just kind of scoff and say "Beards is being dumb," but I decided that I would give you all the whole story so that you know, and you don't have to go through what I did.
My proposal/marriage was a bit weird to most people because my husband was a US Marine stationed in Hawaii. So when we decided that we were going to get married, I went with my friend Lacey to some jewelers around town to find a ring that I liked, and then I could just tell Sam which one I wanted and he could get it when he came home, or he could set up some kind of payment that he could do from Hawaii. I went to Zales, Cavanaugh's, and Kay Jewelers, but I wasn't finding the cut of diamond that I really liked. The last place we went was Beards. I ended up finding the perfect ring that I really really just fell in love with. I told the woman helping me my situation, and she just said that what we would have to do, is set up automatic payments. I gave her Sam's phone number and she said she would call and have it set up, and that was it. This all happened in May of 2013.
In July 2013, our plans changed and we decided that I was going to come live out in Hawaii with Sam, so I went into Beards and asked them when it would be okay for me to have my ring. The man I spoke with said I would have to have paid off half of my balance, and then get it approved by Mr. Beard. Since we didn't have half paid off, and wouldn't before I went to Hawaii, I ended up going to Belk and buying a fake costume jewelry ring to wear in hawaii and at my wedding. Little did I know, poor Sam was paying $612 a month for this stupid ring, that he didn't even get to put on my finger at our wedding ceremony.
We got home from Hawaii in November of 2013. I believe we arrived on a Friday, and I went straight to Beard's that following monday. I asked again if I could have my ring. The same man as before told me that I needed to have half paid off, and then have it approved by Mr. Beard. Since at this point we had "well over half paid off" (his words, not mine) he said he just needed to speak to Mr. Beard. Of course Mr. Butt-I mean Beard wasn't in the store that day, so the guy told me he would speak to him first thing in the morning.
The next day I waited all morning and never received a phone call. Finally, I called them and asked the man if he had spoken to Mr. Beard. He hadn't. He said as soon as he got back from lunch he would speak to him and call me back.
45 minutes later the man called me and told me it had been approved for me to have my ring, but I would have to pay an 18% interest charge every month, making our payments over $700.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE HOUSE NOTES THAT ARE $700 A MONTH PEOPLE!! I told him that this was completely ridivulous and I didn't want to deal with their service anymore. I just wanted my money back. He said that since I have had the merchandise for over 30 days, I could not return it. I have not had the merchandise at all! I've only held the ring in my hand for 30 seconds!! He said that since I had been PAYING ON IT for more than 30 days, I could not get a refund at all.
I was absolutely furious, but decided just to wait a few more months and pay it off, then I could have my ring and never have to deal with Beards again.
Our last payment was scheduled to be taken out of Sam's account on February 15. The 15 of every month was what we originally had scheduled to do with the auto pay. Sam and I both went in to Beards on Monday February, 17 and were told that we STILL could not have the ring because the payment wasn't scheduled to be taken out until February 18. We could absolutely not have the ring on my hand until every single last penny was paid, and also the ring needed to still be sized.
EXCUSE ME?! YOU PEOPLE HAD 10 MONTHS TO SIZE IT! WHY IS IT NOT DONE???
So, I am still without a ring. Been married 5 months on February 23, but no ring.
Some people say that Beards has been wonderful and worked with them and yadda yadda, but they didn't even really give me any information up front. If they would have told me about the return policy, and the fact that I could have my ring until it was completely paid for, then I would NEVER HAVE STEPPED FOOT INTO THAT STORE. Honestly, I think they took advantage of me because I am young, and I'm a female which automatically makes me an idiot, right?
I do not recommend that you go to Beards jewelers. I have written a letter to Mr. Beard (who is NEVER at his own store, by the way) telling him exactly what I think about him and his business. His employees are rude, and don't know how to do business, and I don't think I signed a single piece of paper work at any time. I am so tired of dealing with them. When I do finally get my ring, I'm going to walk out of the store and spit right on their front door....
I hate you Beards. And Mr. Beard....it takes a really special person to run a business so completely focused on money that you forget how to have good customer service, which will come back to bite you in the butt. Hopefully soon, because I do not like you one bit.
RANT OVER
*drops microphone*
Well, many people have asked me what exactly the situation is with my wedding ring, and it's such a long story that I just kind of scoff and say "Beards is being dumb," but I decided that I would give you all the whole story so that you know, and you don't have to go through what I did.
My proposal/marriage was a bit weird to most people because my husband was a US Marine stationed in Hawaii. So when we decided that we were going to get married, I went with my friend Lacey to some jewelers around town to find a ring that I liked, and then I could just tell Sam which one I wanted and he could get it when he came home, or he could set up some kind of payment that he could do from Hawaii. I went to Zales, Cavanaugh's, and Kay Jewelers, but I wasn't finding the cut of diamond that I really liked. The last place we went was Beards. I ended up finding the perfect ring that I really really just fell in love with. I told the woman helping me my situation, and she just said that what we would have to do, is set up automatic payments. I gave her Sam's phone number and she said she would call and have it set up, and that was it. This all happened in May of 2013.
In July 2013, our plans changed and we decided that I was going to come live out in Hawaii with Sam, so I went into Beards and asked them when it would be okay for me to have my ring. The man I spoke with said I would have to have paid off half of my balance, and then get it approved by Mr. Beard. Since we didn't have half paid off, and wouldn't before I went to Hawaii, I ended up going to Belk and buying a fake costume jewelry ring to wear in hawaii and at my wedding. Little did I know, poor Sam was paying $612 a month for this stupid ring, that he didn't even get to put on my finger at our wedding ceremony.
We got home from Hawaii in November of 2013. I believe we arrived on a Friday, and I went straight to Beard's that following monday. I asked again if I could have my ring. The same man as before told me that I needed to have half paid off, and then have it approved by Mr. Beard. Since at this point we had "well over half paid off" (his words, not mine) he said he just needed to speak to Mr. Beard. Of course Mr. Butt-I mean Beard wasn't in the store that day, so the guy told me he would speak to him first thing in the morning.
The next day I waited all morning and never received a phone call. Finally, I called them and asked the man if he had spoken to Mr. Beard. He hadn't. He said as soon as he got back from lunch he would speak to him and call me back.
45 minutes later the man called me and told me it had been approved for me to have my ring, but I would have to pay an 18% interest charge every month, making our payments over $700.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE HOUSE NOTES THAT ARE $700 A MONTH PEOPLE!! I told him that this was completely ridivulous and I didn't want to deal with their service anymore. I just wanted my money back. He said that since I have had the merchandise for over 30 days, I could not return it. I have not had the merchandise at all! I've only held the ring in my hand for 30 seconds!! He said that since I had been PAYING ON IT for more than 30 days, I could not get a refund at all.
I was absolutely furious, but decided just to wait a few more months and pay it off, then I could have my ring and never have to deal with Beards again.
Our last payment was scheduled to be taken out of Sam's account on February 15. The 15 of every month was what we originally had scheduled to do with the auto pay. Sam and I both went in to Beards on Monday February, 17 and were told that we STILL could not have the ring because the payment wasn't scheduled to be taken out until February 18. We could absolutely not have the ring on my hand until every single last penny was paid, and also the ring needed to still be sized.
EXCUSE ME?! YOU PEOPLE HAD 10 MONTHS TO SIZE IT! WHY IS IT NOT DONE???
So, I am still without a ring. Been married 5 months on February 23, but no ring.
Some people say that Beards has been wonderful and worked with them and yadda yadda, but they didn't even really give me any information up front. If they would have told me about the return policy, and the fact that I could have my ring until it was completely paid for, then I would NEVER HAVE STEPPED FOOT INTO THAT STORE. Honestly, I think they took advantage of me because I am young, and I'm a female which automatically makes me an idiot, right?
I do not recommend that you go to Beards jewelers. I have written a letter to Mr. Beard (who is NEVER at his own store, by the way) telling him exactly what I think about him and his business. His employees are rude, and don't know how to do business, and I don't think I signed a single piece of paper work at any time. I am so tired of dealing with them. When I do finally get my ring, I'm going to walk out of the store and spit right on their front door....
I hate you Beards. And Mr. Beard....it takes a really special person to run a business so completely focused on money that you forget how to have good customer service, which will come back to bite you in the butt. Hopefully soon, because I do not like you one bit.
RANT OVER
*drops microphone*
Saturday, February 1, 2014
You know what's amazing?
Hello all!
I am coming to you from my husband's childhood bedroom...ha! We are staying the weekend at the in-laws house and since it is 1:00 in the morning my husband is sleeping...like most "normal" folks at this time. I'm just sitting in bed contemplating all of the things I need to get done/forget to get done/etc. You know how it goes. But I just had a thought...you know what's amazing? Being able to talk about my great God with my husband. (When he's awake of course)
I say this just because, a majority of my relationships in the past have not been centered around Christ...which isn't right. I've even dated quite a few people that don't even believe in God. So when I would express my faith they would just find ways to shoot it down and tell me I was wrong. Now that I am married to a wonderful Christian man, I have the great ability of going to him with my problems and him telling me "give it to God"
As most-if not all- of you know, I suffer with depression. The only solution to that is maybe some medication and some therapy, but mainly. .Jesus Christ. I have to be willing to give everything up to God fully in order to have this enemy lifted off of me. If that makes sense...basically I'm just bragging on my Super cool husband and I think it's absolutely awesome that Sam and I can have deep intellectual conversations about God and not have to worry about what I say or do, because Sam's faith is much stronger than mine is, so I know he won't judge me at all.
This post may seem very scattered and might not make much sense to you, but I'm really just happy I found a guy that will be willing to pray for me instead of trying to fix circumstances that can't be fixed by a worldly solution.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but it does to me and I am so happy to call sam my husband.
As always,
Stay excellent
PS: I am typing this on my phone which is a new android phone, so I apologize for all the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes I may have made. This keyboard is hard you guys!!!
I am coming to you from my husband's childhood bedroom...ha! We are staying the weekend at the in-laws house and since it is 1:00 in the morning my husband is sleeping...like most "normal" folks at this time. I'm just sitting in bed contemplating all of the things I need to get done/forget to get done/etc. You know how it goes. But I just had a thought...you know what's amazing? Being able to talk about my great God with my husband. (When he's awake of course)
I say this just because, a majority of my relationships in the past have not been centered around Christ...which isn't right. I've even dated quite a few people that don't even believe in God. So when I would express my faith they would just find ways to shoot it down and tell me I was wrong. Now that I am married to a wonderful Christian man, I have the great ability of going to him with my problems and him telling me "give it to God"
As most-if not all- of you know, I suffer with depression. The only solution to that is maybe some medication and some therapy, but mainly. .Jesus Christ. I have to be willing to give everything up to God fully in order to have this enemy lifted off of me. If that makes sense...basically I'm just bragging on my Super cool husband and I think it's absolutely awesome that Sam and I can have deep intellectual conversations about God and not have to worry about what I say or do, because Sam's faith is much stronger than mine is, so I know he won't judge me at all.
This post may seem very scattered and might not make much sense to you, but I'm really just happy I found a guy that will be willing to pray for me instead of trying to fix circumstances that can't be fixed by a worldly solution.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but it does to me and I am so happy to call sam my husband.
As always,
Stay excellent
PS: I am typing this on my phone which is a new android phone, so I apologize for all the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes I may have made. This keyboard is hard you guys!!!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Lizzie
Hello friends,
I really didn't plan on posting about Lizzie on my blog or Facebook, just because I felt like I didn't have the right to. Yes, she was a great friend to me, but she had many friends that were a lot closer to her, so I felt as though I didn't have the right to feel as sad as I did. But, on Wednesday morning when I got the news, I broke down. It's been actually really hard for me these past few days.
I wasn't ever super close to Lizzie. We had always been church friends and I admired her for being such an amazing Christian even through some of her personal struggle that she would share during Sunday school and various bible studies. But, we weren't ever the "call each other up on the weekend to hang out" type friends.
We both went off to our different colleges, and didn't speak to each other for quite some time.
As most of you know, my first semester at UT Tyler did not go well. I ended up dropping out after the first month, and living with my boyfriend at the time. I did not claim God as my savior, and I was very very far from where I needed to be, doing bad things to my mind and body.
My family desperately tried to get me to come home and try to get my life back on track, but I ignored all of their pleas and eventually ignored their phone calls. I didn't answer any texts or phone calls because I knew that everyone thought I was crazy and just wanted me to come back to lufkin.
One random day, I got a text from Lizzie. She just asked me how I was doing, as if we had just talked the day before. She kept asking questions about school and what I was doing now. I felt a little embarrassed telling Lizzie that I had dropped out and pretty much given up, but she never showed any judgement at all. She kept the conversation very casual, and just ended it by saying "I'm praying for you."
This little conversation really stuck with me, because she hadnt said that I was "wrong" or "bad" for the situation I was in. For the next weeks, she texted me often. Almost everyday. Asking how I was doing, and just having casual conversation again. Never once passing a single judgement. I finally opened up to Lizzie and told her how terrible I felt, and how depressed I had gotten. Opening up to Lizzie took so much weight off of my shoulders. I remember telling her "I really don't know what to do anymore." Her response was "when I don't know what to do, I pray first...but then I ask my family"
The next week, I was back home in Lufkin with my family. I was back in church trying to salvage what little relationship with God I still had. I owe a lot to Lizzie, and thinking back on everything these past few days, I really wish I would have done so many things differently. I wish I would have thanked her for being there for me even though we weren't the "best of friends". I wish I would have taken more pictures with her to remember our ridiculous times together. I wish I would have gone to see her more often. So many things that I can't change now.
Now, I'm married (which Lizzie always said was "so weird!!") and my life is back on track. My relationship with God is still not where it needs to be, and this is just another way that Lizzie has touched my life. Her passing has helped me realize that I have a lot of work to do if I want to live like Lizzie. It might be hard, and some days I might feel like I can't go on, but it is possible, and I can do it.
So to Lizzie, I say thank you. Thank you for caring about me and loving me. Thank you for showing me how to live in God's image. Thank you for the laughs, thank you for the memories, and thank you for giving me my family back.
I love you, and I'll see you later.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
This is Reality
Hello Friends!
Last night I was looking around on Pinterest (a guilty pleasure of mine) and I found the link to a blog post titled "100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter"
I read it, and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever read. So heartfelt, and just genuinely sweet. While, I am NOT planning on having children anytime too soon, I did see a few of them that really hit home to me.
One said "a husband needs a wife, not another mother," and that simple statement got me really thinking about these past 3 weeks. I've only been married a short time but I can tell you that I've learned a crazy amount of things in this short time. So, I've decided to make a list of my own.
10 Things I've Learned About Marriage (so far):
1. You're husband will annoy you more than you thought anyone could ever annoy you. It's just because he loves you.
2. Saying your sorry doesn't make you weak, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed for having to say you're sorry. It's actually a very humbling thing to do.
3. You do things for your husband, not for any reward, but because you want to. (cooking, cleaning, laundry)
4. Before marriage, you're so used to going to your friends for advice; After getting married, confiding in your husband is always number one.
5. If you want something, saying it out loud is the only way to go. "I want...." instead of beating around the bush.
6. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. My husband has seen me at my best, my worst, and everything in between.
7. Don't act too grown up to have fun. My husband is my best friend. Maybe sometimes, playing a game of hide and seek is what I want...being married doesn't make you a "grown up"
8. Be willing to take the blame more often then you are willing to blame. Most of the time it's both of our faults.
9. There's no rush to do anything. Except pay bills...
10. If you're too mad to lay cuddled up with your feet touching, then you're not ready to go to bed. Never ever go to bed mad.
I'm not a marriage expert, I know. I've got so much more to learn. I'll keep learning for the rest of my life, but living with someone new, you really learn a lot about them, and yourself. The blog I read last night (which I'll post a link to below) just got me in a very good mood. I keep thinking about how sweet and heartfelt that was, and I just wanted to think about the sweet things in marriage too.
I never really take the time to thank those who read my blog, but I will now. I really can't tell you how much it means to me. I know I never have anything really important to say, but I love doing it. I'm so glad that people continue to read. I've gotten a little over 3,000 views so far, and the number keeps climbing every time I post something new! It makes me so happy! So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you guys!
And of course,
Stay Excellent!
Last night I was looking around on Pinterest (a guilty pleasure of mine) and I found the link to a blog post titled "100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter"
I read it, and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever read. So heartfelt, and just genuinely sweet. While, I am NOT planning on having children anytime too soon, I did see a few of them that really hit home to me.
One said "a husband needs a wife, not another mother," and that simple statement got me really thinking about these past 3 weeks. I've only been married a short time but I can tell you that I've learned a crazy amount of things in this short time. So, I've decided to make a list of my own.
10 Things I've Learned About Marriage (so far):
1. You're husband will annoy you more than you thought anyone could ever annoy you. It's just because he loves you.
2. Saying your sorry doesn't make you weak, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed for having to say you're sorry. It's actually a very humbling thing to do.
3. You do things for your husband, not for any reward, but because you want to. (cooking, cleaning, laundry)
4. Before marriage, you're so used to going to your friends for advice; After getting married, confiding in your husband is always number one.
5. If you want something, saying it out loud is the only way to go. "I want...." instead of beating around the bush.
6. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. My husband has seen me at my best, my worst, and everything in between.
7. Don't act too grown up to have fun. My husband is my best friend. Maybe sometimes, playing a game of hide and seek is what I want...being married doesn't make you a "grown up"
8. Be willing to take the blame more often then you are willing to blame. Most of the time it's both of our faults.
9. There's no rush to do anything. Except pay bills...
10. If you're too mad to lay cuddled up with your feet touching, then you're not ready to go to bed. Never ever go to bed mad.
I'm not a marriage expert, I know. I've got so much more to learn. I'll keep learning for the rest of my life, but living with someone new, you really learn a lot about them, and yourself. The blog I read last night (which I'll post a link to below) just got me in a very good mood. I keep thinking about how sweet and heartfelt that was, and I just wanted to think about the sweet things in marriage too.
I never really take the time to thank those who read my blog, but I will now. I really can't tell you how much it means to me. I know I never have anything really important to say, but I love doing it. I'm so glad that people continue to read. I've gotten a little over 3,000 views so far, and the number keeps climbing every time I post something new! It makes me so happy! So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you guys!
And of course,
Stay Excellent!
here's that link!
http://lisajobaker.com/2012/07/raising-a-girl-100-things-i-want-to-teach-my-daughter/
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Aloha Diaries: questions?
Hello friends,
I figured since I'm sitting here watching a movie not doing much of anything, I'd take a second to post and answer some of the questions I've been getting. A lot of you are very curious about Hawaii, ie the food, the language, and just general questions.
To fill you in as much as I can, I live in a town called Kailua. It is about 20-30 minutes outside of Honolulu. There is a school here, a public library, quite a few little shops, and a few places to eat. Compared to Texas, I'd say it's just a bit smaller than Lufkin. Everything here is within walking distance, so there's a lot of people on foot but also many cars. If you've ever been to Destin, Florida, it kind of reminds me of that. A lot of buildings very close together. We have similar things to Texas like Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Macy's, and Whole Foods, but we also have some things that I haven't ever heard of...little shops and things.
A big question I've been getting..."is there a Walmart?"
Ha! Yes, guys. There is in fact a Walmart. Not in Kailua. I believe the closest Walmart is in Honolulu. I haven't been to it yet.
Another big question I get is, what language do they speak?
This question is a little difficult for me to answer because I am not really sure myself. For the most part, what I know is that the locals speak English with a very thick accent. Some of the older locals speak a different language and that's where words like "aloha," "mahalo," and "ohana" come from. Aloha and mahalo are very often used though. In English sentences. For example, flying over here the airlines would say "aloha, and mahalo for flying with us" which of course means hello, and thank you...
Although Hawaii is part of the United States, it feels like a completely different country over here. I love hearing all of your questions! It helps me explore everything down here!
If you have anymore questions feel free to ask! I miss and love you all.
Another frequently asked question: does it cost to text you?
No! So text and call me whenever!!
Stay excellent!
I figured since I'm sitting here watching a movie not doing much of anything, I'd take a second to post and answer some of the questions I've been getting. A lot of you are very curious about Hawaii, ie the food, the language, and just general questions.
To fill you in as much as I can, I live in a town called Kailua. It is about 20-30 minutes outside of Honolulu. There is a school here, a public library, quite a few little shops, and a few places to eat. Compared to Texas, I'd say it's just a bit smaller than Lufkin. Everything here is within walking distance, so there's a lot of people on foot but also many cars. If you've ever been to Destin, Florida, it kind of reminds me of that. A lot of buildings very close together. We have similar things to Texas like Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Macy's, and Whole Foods, but we also have some things that I haven't ever heard of...little shops and things.
A big question I've been getting..."is there a Walmart?"
Ha! Yes, guys. There is in fact a Walmart. Not in Kailua. I believe the closest Walmart is in Honolulu. I haven't been to it yet.
Another big question I get is, what language do they speak?
This question is a little difficult for me to answer because I am not really sure myself. For the most part, what I know is that the locals speak English with a very thick accent. Some of the older locals speak a different language and that's where words like "aloha," "mahalo," and "ohana" come from. Aloha and mahalo are very often used though. In English sentences. For example, flying over here the airlines would say "aloha, and mahalo for flying with us" which of course means hello, and thank you...
Although Hawaii is part of the United States, it feels like a completely different country over here. I love hearing all of your questions! It helps me explore everything down here!
If you have anymore questions feel free to ask! I miss and love you all.
Another frequently asked question: does it cost to text you?
No! So text and call me whenever!!
Stay excellent!
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